November 13, 2010 – BANGOR AREA INVADED!
Shocking news out of the Bangor, Maine area today. According to citizen reports, and this reporters first hand experience, Maine’s once friendly – and now apparently hostile – neighbors to the north have launched an invasion targeting retail areas of the city.
The invaders have a complete disregard of traffic laws. They are ignoring all of the big white arrows in the travel lanes. Instead choosing to sit in traffic waiting for their comrades-in-harm to let them change lanes while causing near-miss incidents at every intersection.
Within retail establishments, there is aggressive hand-to-hand shopping. In addition to severely outnumbering the locals, the invaders are snatching up everything in site, using shopping carts to cause injury to the ankles, and leaving the establishments in general states of disarray. Sales transactions are being delayed by the use of strangely colored paper currency and coins called “loonies” and “toonies”.
No one is certain of the language they are using. Reports are coming in that everything ends with “eh”. But, no one really knows what that is all “aboot”.
Eateries all over the city, are reporting shortages of French fries, gravy and cheese. Wait staff claim they have never seen this many nickel tips.
This invasion came totally without warning. “We were prepared for them on Columbus Day weekend in October”, said one downtrodden cashier, “But, they surprised us showing up before OUR Thanksgiving.” Several other shell-shocked workers expressed similar dismay.
Local emergency management agencies have advised patience. Their projections indicate that it will be a short-term situation and will abate as soon as Sunday evening. However, they warn that locals should prepare for similar conditions every weekend through the end of the year.